A VINTAGE GIRL IN A MODERN WORLD

Original article published in Woman’s Way

Etiquette. Such a quaint notion that it deems those concerned with old-fashioned and those not, well, shall we say loose? In the manners department, you understand. Without this widely accepted point of social order, how on earth is one to know just how to carry on in a time of selfies, Tinder and twerking? Or perhaps it’s less to do with social conventions and more my 30-something years that has me pondering the expectations of our collective conduct.

I first noticed the shift when invited to a friend’s recent barbecue/ birthday celebration; I actually expected to be fed. Secondly, I felt obliged to not only bring some drinks and birthday treats but also a contribution to the barbecue of the homemade variety (coleslaw, if you’re interested. Made by my Special Gentleman if you insist on quizzing me. Look, I may care about manners but I’m not above deception in the name of a good reputation.)

For years ‘barbecue’ was, in my circles, code for outdoor socialising and an excuse to begin doing so at an unreasonably early hour. Should one wish to bring a sausage to the event, the host would likely provide the disposable tin grill. Such invitations generally coincided with parents’ weekends away or the securing of new, shared college accommodation that boasted a much-neglected yard (which in turn boasted a browning Christmas tree). There was a subsequent period when these invitations for daytime merriment stopped altogether. The co-living had turned to co-habitation and the surrounds became decidedly more ‘cosy’. Apartment life had somewhat clipped our ‘cookout’ wings.

Now however, for the most part, my friends are in the post-weddings, post-babies, post-being-able-to-stand-living-in-a-one-bedroom-postage-stamp-together-for-one-minute-longer sort of period. The lucky few got their claws into real life houses just before the bust returned to boom, and the rest of us have been only too willing to accept any garden invitations landing on our mat (read: WhatsApp feed).  

On arrival to this particular afternoon gathering, we were greeted at the door with lots of familiar, happy faces. They rubbed our heads as we passed; they pointed to the offerings that filled our arms and described the gesture as charming. “I brought myself”, declared one guest on seeing us unload “and I’m a hell of a gift”. To be fair, she was quite the riot – skewer or no skewer.

And so the revelry commenced. Friends arrived, strangers met, neighbours were no doubt highly irritated. The decibels increased, the full bottles decreased and the food came not a minute too soon. “You better get in quick as the lads are going to take two of everything”. Feeding time was upon us and the zoo residents were ready. We stood by the table with forks pitched and plates poised. We side eyed the competition.  While vying for elbowroom and ketchup, all manner of behaviour was evident.

The initial arrival of burgers brought with it a physical struggle. The pregnant lady lost out to the hungover guy. When Special Gentleman mentioned that the coleslaw in the blue bowl was in fact homemade by his own fair hand, an eager fellow-eater scraped the shop-bought version that resided on his patty onto a nearby abandoned glass to make space for the fresh one. When another man picked up a chicken wing and, following a thorough physical examination, decided it was burnt and /or inedible, his returning of it to the plate was another social low.

Perhaps it is the casual connotations of a barbecue that set the tone but it made me worried for the future of our summer soirees. And so I suggest the following by way of guidelines:

·      Do not arrive with one arm as long as the other (a classic for a reason).

·      Do not forget about the neighbours. In the absence of an invitation the host should at least drop a courtesy note: ‘we will be barbecuing in the garden from 3pm should you wish to remove your washing / family / selves’.

·      Do use napkins, and encourage mustard-chin beside you to do the same.

·      Do not arrive in just your slinky new maxi dress only to later hound the host for a blanket / jumper / hug.

·      Do not leave with one arm longer than the other. We see the wine up your sleeve.

·      Do know when to leave. The host standing on their porch with your coat in hand is probably a good indication.

·      Do not, for goodness sake, touch a man’s grill uninvited.

Observing the above should hopefully separate the ‘barbecue’ from the free gaff.